I have my stars, I have my hearts, I have my snowflakes and my moose...I need a Christmas Tree now. 

I get scared sometimes

You know you have fallen hard when you start doubting your sanity. 

Voices I hear and voices I imagine, nothing seems to be real enough to fish me out. I crawl into a tiny ball of misery and self pity and cry into the cold. First it is the tears, then it is the heart and then the voice leaves my lungs and I hear an animal in me howl. No feelings, no thoughts, one prolonged sharp cry. Short, longer, short again sighs...a certain wicked lullaby that puts no one at ease. 

And then a long awaited pause before the second round of tears and cries. The heart is no longer involved. It has left a few moments ago. And I cry, I cry in silence. The animal in me has given in..before I close my eyes and think, this is it. This inability to feel must mean I have lost it. How did I lose it and why? And why does it come on days that I wish so wholeheartedly to be ok and be strong..?..

And I pray to God and to the heavens above me for patience, for hope. And I lie there with my arms next to my sides and my feet together. My last rites are my tears. My legs don’t feel strong enough to carry me through. And all I wish for the time being is to stay on my back.

Cemetery

I got in touch with Highgate cemetary volunteering project. AAaaannndd they have a woodlands conservation group that meets once a month, on a Sunday to look after the cemetery! I will try and get in..me, grass, trees, flowers, rain and silence. 

sleeping sleep

It has been a while since I had a look at myself in the mirror. My wonky legs, my potatoe stomach, my pale blue skin. It has been a while since I looked at the shell of the chaos that is inside. I greet the day. My eyes, my mouth, my brain screams out the call of help. And then I wake and dress my self and pretty my self and walk out into the rain. And I do look as bad as always.

I chant my prayers on my way; I am pious and I am righteous and thus thou shall not sacrifice me. I shall speak out and my words shall be my weapons. And my shield will get stronger with every step I make on mother earth that is no more a mother to me than the walls in my house are not home. 

But I know, I know my piety shall not protect me from the darkness. Whatever the conditions of my sacrifice shall be, I wish to know my wrongdoings. It will not give me time to recover or evaluate my steps perhaps but it will be enough to know who to thank and who to curse. Because I have been subject to opression of your minds and verbal judgements, I shall bow my head and accept the verdict a second before I lose it.