I get scared sometimes

You know you have fallen hard when you start doubting your sanity. 

Voices I hear and voices I imagine, nothing seems to be real enough to fish me out. I crawl into a tiny ball of misery and self pity and cry into the cold. First it is the tears, then it is the heart and then the voice leaves my lungs and I hear an animal in me howl. No feelings, no thoughts, one prolonged sharp cry. Short, longer, short again sighs...a certain wicked lullaby that puts no one at ease. 

And then a long awaited pause before the second round of tears and cries. The heart is no longer involved. It has left a few moments ago. And I cry, I cry in silence. The animal in me has given in..before I close my eyes and think, this is it. This inability to feel must mean I have lost it. How did I lose it and why? And why does it come on days that I wish so wholeheartedly to be ok and be strong..?..

And I pray to God and to the heavens above me for patience, for hope. And I lie there with my arms next to my sides and my feet together. My last rites are my tears. My legs don’t feel strong enough to carry me through. And all I wish for the time being is to stay on my back.